WEBVTT 00:07.920 --> 00:13.840 A warm greeting to all those who connect to the Internet and visit this sanctuary of 00:13.840 --> 00:18.420 scattered words because they wish to step through the doors of our virtual home. 00:19.160 --> 00:23.320 Before we begin, I'd like to clarify an important point. 00:24.040 --> 00:30.980 The title, when tears interrupt the tango, is the name I chose for this gathering of 00:30.980 --> 00:32.020 scattered words. 00:32.500 --> 00:33.320 But why? 00:33.940 --> 00:35.160 Why this title? 00:35.780 --> 00:40.900 Could it be that I'll be giving you dance lessons between tearful poems and stories? 00:41.860 --> 00:44.400 Nothing could be further from the truth. 00:45.100 --> 00:51.140 What you're about to hear isn't meant to deliver judgments, verdicts, or finger pointing, 00:51.720 --> 00:55.520 much less universal recipes or absolute truths. 00:56.200 --> 01:01.880 These are words born from personal experiences and reflections shared in confidence, 01:02.600 --> 01:09.340 offered with the intention of opening a truly human space for dialogue, about life as a couple, 01:10.020 --> 01:14.900 intimacy, and the everyday interruptions that life inevitably brings. 01:15.540 --> 01:20.740 Perhaps one of the two experiences I'm about to share will resonate with your own, 01:21.160 --> 01:22.600 or maybe not at all. 01:23.240 --> 01:28.680 What truly matters is that you listen with freedom, without guilt or judgment, 01:28.680 --> 01:32.140 without worry or shame, without taboos. 01:32.840 --> 01:34.200 Listen with maturity. 01:34.960 --> 01:39.720 Keep in mind that intimacy in a relationship isn't measured by perfection, 01:39.780 --> 01:46.660 but by the ability to find each other again and again amidst real everyday life. 01:47.320 --> 01:51.200 After all, even the tango is danced with pauses. 01:51.920 --> 01:55.680 Now then, let's get started with today's little story. 01:56.260 --> 02:01.340 It all began on a family unity day, since even my husband wasn't going to work. 02:01.880 --> 02:05.060 It was Benjamin's and my turn to prepare lunch, 02:05.380 --> 02:08.980 as we've scheduled on the rotating calendar we organize each week. 02:09.780 --> 02:13.120 Of course, it's a flexible calendar, subject to change, 02:13.620 --> 02:17.140 because, for instance, on this occasion he couldn't help me. 02:17.460 --> 02:19.600 He had to leave to handle an emergency. 02:20.340 --> 02:25.540 One of his patients hospitalized in the mental health unit due to a case of multiple 02:25.540 --> 02:30.320 sexual assaults had become unmanageable after receiving a visitor. 02:31.040 --> 02:36.680 Not with any real justification, but because of her psychiatric and emotional condition, 02:37.120 --> 02:40.440 she tried to throw herself out the window of her room. 02:41.140 --> 02:46.180 My husband had barely finished breakfast when he rushed to our bedroom to change clothes. 02:46.840 --> 02:49.960 Time is extremely limited in situations like this. 02:50.420 --> 02:55.320 It's about seizing whatever chance you can to bring stability amid a storm 02:55.320 --> 02:57.080 that simply won't pass. 02:57.920 --> 03:03.160 He ordered the immediate administration of a fast-acting psychopharmacological cocktail, 03:03.660 --> 03:06.760 until he, as the attending physician on the case, 03:07.280 --> 03:10.480 could arrive to assess the situation and make decisions, 03:11.080 --> 03:15.040 including, for her own safety, prohibiting any further visits. 03:16.260 --> 03:19.800 At home, I was left alone with my in-laws and my children. 03:20.540 --> 03:22.700 Everyone else had gone out to different places 03:22.700 --> 03:25.160 after clearing the table and tidying up. 03:25.860 --> 03:30.260 I began checking the pantry shelves to see if we were missing anything I'd need for cooking, 03:30.800 --> 03:37.260 and sure enough, we were out of za'atar, which I needed to prepare exactly what everyone had asked 03:37.260 --> 03:40.260 for after I'd asked them what they wanted for lunch. 03:40.920 --> 03:46.680 Since there's a shop near where we live that sells every kind of spice and stays open non-stop, 03:47.160 --> 03:49.520 I grabbed my purse and told my in-laws, 03:49.520 --> 03:52.840 who were sitting on the living room sofa with their grandchildren, 03:53.440 --> 03:54.480 that I wouldn't be long. 03:55.100 --> 03:59.360 My father-in-law simply reminded me to take my phone, just in case. 03:59.980 --> 04:01.540 Here's a brief parenthesis. 04:02.120 --> 04:07.360 That, just in case, my father-in-law mentioned, refers to his son. 04:07.940 --> 04:11.960 Because Binyamin often calls me during the day, just to check in. 04:12.520 --> 04:14.440 And what does he want to know about me? 04:15.020 --> 04:15.840 Well, things. 04:16.640 --> 04:18.500 My emotions, how I'm feeling. 04:19.040 --> 04:22.440 If I don't answer, it's not that he gets angry with me. 04:22.780 --> 04:27.380 It's not that he creates some ridiculous dramatic jealousy scene without cause, 04:27.880 --> 04:31.100 especially considering that, as he's told me before, 04:31.780 --> 04:37.260 he sometimes handles truly hellish cases involving a fellow-like delusional jealousy. 04:38.220 --> 04:40.780 His reaction is sincere and deep. 04:41.480 --> 04:42.000 It's simple. 04:42.480 --> 04:46.980 But that doesn't make it in less significant when he doesn't get a reply from me. 04:46.980 --> 04:51.980 My husband worries, even though he understands that if I don't answer, 04:52.380 --> 04:57.160 it's because I'm busy or my phone died or I fell asleep, and so on. 04:57.700 --> 04:59.100 Still, he worries. 04:59.660 --> 05:03.860 Not excessively, not to the point of collapse like before, 05:04.460 --> 05:08.100 not to the point of intrusions that would disrupt his own work. 05:08.480 --> 05:12.720 But yes, Binyamin does worry, and I understand that. 05:13.320 --> 05:15.700 I understand and respect his concern, 05:15.700 --> 05:20.920 which is why I always try to answer his calls or send him quick little messages, 05:21.380 --> 05:26.480 so he knows I'm here, that I'm still myself, that I haven't mentally drifted away. 05:27.260 --> 05:28.380 I close the parenthesis. 05:29.040 --> 05:32.040 The truth is, after kissing my father-in-law's hand, 05:32.480 --> 05:34.300 I assured him I wouldn't be long. 05:34.940 --> 05:39.240 I told him not to worry, that there was no need for him to come with me, 05:39.580 --> 05:43.000 especially since he was clearly enjoying the company of his wife 05:43.000 --> 05:44.900 and the laughter of his grandchildren. 05:45.700 --> 05:48.960 I also told him that if Binyamin called the house 05:48.960 --> 05:51.140 because I hadn't heard my phone ring, 05:51.520 --> 05:54.240 he should just let him know I'd gone to the spice shop 05:54.240 --> 05:57.080 and that I'd call him back as soon as I got home. 05:57.960 --> 06:02.860 I returned with the latar, and just as I was about to open the front door, 06:03.300 --> 06:05.080 my neighbor appeared to greet me. 06:05.820 --> 06:09.180 She'd given birth to her first child only five months ago. 06:09.860 --> 06:13.280 Ever since she moved into the neighborhood, seven years ago now, 06:13.280 --> 06:16.040 our friendship has always been lovely. 06:16.500 --> 06:20.060 We've never had any issues with any member of her family. 06:20.580 --> 06:23.840 In fact, we've shared many after-dinner conversations, 06:24.540 --> 06:28.900 at her house when they've invited us, and at ours when we've invited them. 06:29.860 --> 06:32.900 After the customary kiss on the cheek, I asked her, 06:33.400 --> 06:35.000 so what can I do for you, dear? 06:35.740 --> 06:38.680 She replied with an invitation to go out for lunch. 06:39.200 --> 06:42.680 She explained that her sisters-in-law had come to visit their nephew 06:42.680 --> 06:45.880 and could stay with the baby while the two of us went out. 06:46.460 --> 06:50.160 She even asked me to call Binyamin to tell him about the invitation, 06:50.680 --> 06:53.060 but I told her I couldn't go out with her. 06:53.920 --> 06:54.900 Her face fell. 06:55.640 --> 07:00.880 She looked genuinely saddened and even offered to speak directly to my husband 07:00.880 --> 07:02.560 to ask for his permission. 07:03.060 --> 07:05.280 She wanted to reassure him not to worry, 07:05.760 --> 07:08.460 especially since she'd be the one taking me out 07:08.460 --> 07:12.280 and would bring me back safe and sound right into his arms. 07:13.140 --> 07:18.500 At that, I laughed and told her I didn't need Binyamin's permission to go out. 07:18.940 --> 07:22.460 What was really happening was that I had to prepare lunch for everyone. 07:23.020 --> 07:26.660 It was my responsibility to organize everything in the kitchen 07:26.660 --> 07:29.860 and also make sure the food actually tasted good. 07:30.360 --> 07:32.500 Still, I didn't dismiss her invitation. 07:33.160 --> 07:35.200 Instead, I offered her another option. 07:35.740 --> 07:40.140 I'd call her right after lunch so we could go wherever her car wheels took us, 07:40.460 --> 07:42.160 just the two of us, to talk. 07:42.680 --> 07:43.380 She accepted. 07:44.260 --> 07:47.480 Back at home, everything turned out delicious at lunch, 07:47.880 --> 07:50.660 both the meal itself and the conversation afterward. 07:51.360 --> 07:53.880 Still, I had to say goodbye to everyone present, 07:54.320 --> 07:56.680 explaining that I had plans with our neighbor 07:56.680 --> 08:00.700 and that Binyamin knew about it because I'd already called to tell him. 08:01.280 --> 08:03.680 I got myself ready, and when I was all set, 08:03.980 --> 08:06.360 I put everything I might need into my purse. 08:06.780 --> 08:08.400 I even tucked in some tissues. 08:08.400 --> 08:11.760 Once we were at the cafe my neighbor had chosen, 08:12.260 --> 08:14.340 she, with a very strong cup of coffee, 08:14.900 --> 08:17.040 me with a large mug of herbal tea, 08:17.440 --> 08:21.780 and both of us accompanied by a small tray of sweet and savory pastries, 08:22.280 --> 08:24.600 we began chatting about all sorts of things, 08:24.940 --> 08:27.780 as a gentle lead-in to the real purpose of our outing. 08:28.280 --> 08:32.360 A few little things that act like hammers breaking the hardest ice. 08:33.080 --> 08:36.260 I told her about my sanctuary of plants in the greenhouse. 08:36.860 --> 08:39.520 She told me about her sisters-in-law's visit 08:39.520 --> 08:42.180 and the kind of relationship she has with them. 08:42.820 --> 08:45.080 I shared the recipe I'd made for lunch. 08:45.500 --> 08:47.900 She spoke about her weekly grocery shopping. 08:48.640 --> 08:52.580 But I knew neither of us had come all the way to the cafe 08:52.580 --> 08:56.220 just to chat about such trivial, everyday matters. 08:56.740 --> 08:59.680 We could have done that right at the front door for a few minutes. 09:00.580 --> 09:04.120 So, not because I thought it was a waste of time, 09:04.120 --> 09:08.400 but simply because I was curious to uncover the real reason 09:08.400 --> 09:12.140 behind her urgent invitation, I finally asked her, 09:12.920 --> 09:15.100 what's the true purpose of this outing? 09:15.900 --> 09:19.400 She didn't know how to answer, how to open up, 09:20.080 --> 09:23.400 how to pour herself out, maybe out of shame, 09:24.000 --> 09:28.200 maybe because she feared it would feel like an intrusion into my intimacy, 09:28.780 --> 09:33.120 or perhaps because she worried I'd feel uncomfortable with her confessions 09:33.120 --> 09:37.560 and think all this time together had been nothing but a pointless waste, 09:38.040 --> 09:42.220 even a fuel, until she finally found the courage. 09:43.200 --> 09:47.360 Rebbe, do you love your husband? Does he love you? 09:48.120 --> 09:50.800 The answer could have been obvious and quick, 09:51.240 --> 09:56.380 without any poetic flourish. Yes, I love my husband and he loves me. 09:57.040 --> 10:00.240 Done. I could have even called Binyamin right then, 10:00.240 --> 10:04.180 put him on speakerphone and let my neighbour hear his answer herself. 10:04.820 --> 10:08.760 After all, he was the one indirectly addressed by her question, 10:09.260 --> 10:11.560 the very person alluded to in that cafe. 10:12.380 --> 10:17.840 But my neighbour wasn't just asking whether I loved Binyamin and he loved me in words. 10:18.440 --> 10:22.080 She was asking through actions, and in that moment, 10:22.440 --> 10:26.040 I understood the unspoken question beneath her words. 10:26.720 --> 10:30.000 She revealed that she hasn't been intimate with her husband 10:30.000 --> 10:33.760 and feels this reality has begun to damage her marriage. 10:34.120 --> 10:38.460 I asked her if she was experiencing any physical or even emotional issue 10:38.460 --> 10:40.900 that kept her from enjoying sex with her partner, 10:41.540 --> 10:45.360 whether she'd noticed any physical or emotional difficulty on his part 10:45.360 --> 10:47.900 that might explain why he wasn't touching her, 10:48.260 --> 10:50.280 because after all, that can happen. 10:50.840 --> 10:54.840 I told her that even when there's no deeper or structural problem, 10:54.840 --> 11:00.840 it's actually quite common and temporary for libido to drop to barely detectable levels. 11:01.240 --> 11:05.260 It can happen because of a stressful day, accumulated exhaustion, 11:05.740 --> 11:08.960 a cold or even drunkenness, so many things. 11:09.880 --> 11:12.220 She replied that this wasn't something fleeting. 11:12.540 --> 11:16.140 They'd gone more than 11 months, practically almost a year, 11:16.400 --> 11:20.800 without taking any time for themselves as a couple in any sense of the word. 11:21.340 --> 11:24.780 She said they'd even talked about it and tried to reconnect intimately, 11:25.240 --> 11:29.920 but it only led to frustration and sometimes even arguments instead of healing. 11:30.560 --> 11:34.080 She insisted it wasn't physical and it wasn't mental either, 11:34.820 --> 11:37.060 so I asked her the million-dollar question. 11:37.780 --> 11:41.920 If it's not physical, because some women do experience discomfort, 11:42.260 --> 11:45.860 even years after childbirth, and if it's not mental, 11:45.860 --> 11:51.080 then what's blocking that vital connection in a marriage or a stable relationship? 11:51.800 --> 11:52.880 Her answer was clear. 11:53.580 --> 11:59.000 The truth is, as a couple, they've buried their orgasms in the coffin of forgetfulness. 11:59.740 --> 12:01.740 Ever since they found out about the pregnancy, 12:02.120 --> 12:07.000 they've convinced themselves that the physiologically natural drive for sexual intimacy 12:07.000 --> 12:12.880 must be switched off entirely, so that only one switch remains lit and overloaded, 12:12.880 --> 12:17.960 the one for self-sacrificing parenthood with no rights left, only duties. 12:18.660 --> 12:23.600 For her, and certainly for her husband, too, this lack of sexual connection 12:23.600 --> 12:28.220 is entirely their child's fault and everything tied to his care, 12:28.540 --> 12:30.780 including what surrounded the pregnancy itself. 12:31.620 --> 12:35.960 They'd clung to the myth that sex during gestation is strictly forbidden, 12:36.500 --> 12:41.260 and, of course, it can be, but only in very specific situations 12:41.260 --> 12:44.040 involving physical or emotional health. 12:44.540 --> 12:47.960 For instance, like what happened to me with cervical circulage, 12:48.460 --> 12:54.120 I could barely move from bed, all to help my uterus hold on as long as possible to my twins 12:54.120 --> 12:56.320 until nearly 34 weeks. 12:57.040 --> 13:00.560 But, thanks to the creator, I held on even longer. 13:01.120 --> 13:04.280 Shabtai and Mizanik were born at 36 weeks. 13:04.960 --> 13:07.000 No emergency C-section was needed. 13:07.560 --> 13:10.780 My delivery was natural and not assisted by instruments. 13:11.760 --> 13:16.200 My neighbor and her husband believed things intensified the moment their baby was born. 13:16.800 --> 13:21.000 Everything changed, even something that belonged solely to the two of them, 13:21.420 --> 13:25.960 something no one else, not even their child, should ever interrupt. 13:26.600 --> 13:28.720 Because every time they've tried to be intimate, 13:28.720 --> 13:31.680 just as they're about to enjoy those beautiful, 13:31.840 --> 13:36.980 post-orgasmic moments that sex can offer, the baby wakes up and starts crying. 13:37.680 --> 13:44.300 And so, still undressed, deeply aroused, they've had to abruptly stop their tender play 13:44.300 --> 13:48.040 and abandon their attempts at practicing their homemade kama sutra. 13:48.400 --> 13:53.140 She told me she sought me out not because she expected me to give her a solution 13:53.140 --> 13:56.620 since she understands that I must be going through the same thing, 13:56.620 --> 14:00.800 or even worse, given that I don't have just one young child, but three. 14:01.380 --> 14:04.120 She said she simply wanted someone to listen to her, 14:04.240 --> 14:07.720 without judging her desires that exist beyond motherhood, 14:08.020 --> 14:13.060 because she's already been judged enough, made to feel not only selfish herself, 14:13.520 --> 14:15.400 but that her husband is selfish too, 14:15.740 --> 14:19.760 just for considering the possibility of going out together for a romantic dinner, 14:20.420 --> 14:22.760 for watching a movie, for showering together, 14:22.760 --> 14:25.640 for making love without interruptions, 14:25.840 --> 14:28.880 maybe even in a hotel room or somewhere outside the house, 14:29.260 --> 14:31.540 hiring a babysitter for just a few hours. 14:32.180 --> 14:35.560 All she wanted was a pair of ears and a sensitive heart 14:35.560 --> 14:39.320 that wouldn't repeat back to her what she'd already heard from her mother, 14:39.780 --> 14:42.240 her mother-in-law, or even other friends, 14:42.600 --> 14:46.160 mothers themselves, who only added more weight to her guilt. 14:47.600 --> 14:50.400 Well, I'm a biochemist by profession, 14:50.400 --> 14:52.260 but, as I told my neighbor, 14:52.740 --> 14:56.040 no matter how many times I tried to unravel the mysteries 14:56.040 --> 14:59.240 that might help me concoct some magical formula 14:59.240 --> 15:01.780 to counteract a healthy sexual desire, 15:02.320 --> 15:03.360 not just at its beginning, 15:03.800 --> 15:07.860 but especially when it's been interrupted, it's simply impossible. 15:08.680 --> 15:12.820 I told her my husband and Maudi's a kind of ironic twist of fate. 15:13.300 --> 15:16.120 He spends his days analyzing other people's minds, 15:16.120 --> 15:19.820 yet he can't possibly predict when one of our children, 15:20.180 --> 15:22.220 or two, or all three at once, 15:22.660 --> 15:25.680 will decide that this exact moment is the ideal, 15:25.980 --> 15:27.440 perfect, and complete time 15:27.440 --> 15:30.260 to offer us a full symphony of crying 15:30.260 --> 15:33.560 as their heartfelt thank you for all our parental care. 15:33.960 --> 15:38.500 After all, with a daughter suffering from acute, chronic, incurable, 15:38.900 --> 15:40.980 and untreatable daddy love, 15:41.400 --> 15:44.380 and two twin boys with explorer souls, 15:44.380 --> 15:47.960 stubbornly independent as if they were already adults, 15:48.520 --> 15:53.640 Binyamin and I have never managed to develop a finely-tuned sixth sense, 15:54.120 --> 15:56.880 capable of detecting the precise moment 15:56.880 --> 16:00.560 when we should or shouldn't attempt something sexual, 16:01.020 --> 16:04.860 or even something romantic that might naturally lead to intimacy, 16:05.400 --> 16:10.160 because, inevitably, will be interrupted by unrestrained crying. 16:10.860 --> 16:13.900 I told her that, even so, we always try, 16:14.360 --> 16:18.320 because desire, that natural longing for closeness 16:18.320 --> 16:22.780 and a renewed expression of love simply overpowers everything else. 16:23.240 --> 16:24.340 That's undeniable. 16:25.200 --> 16:28.120 I didn't tell my neighbor I understand you, 16:28.280 --> 16:31.800 because that would have been unnecessary, even senseless. 16:32.540 --> 16:37.160 The truth is, despite interrupted or failed intimate moments, 16:37.160 --> 16:41.840 Binyamin and I have never fought to the point of cracking our marriage, 16:42.280 --> 16:46.340 never blamed the children we ourselves chose to bring into this world. 16:46.980 --> 16:51.860 Instead, I shared a story with her, not someone else's, but my own. 16:52.600 --> 16:55.320 A lived experience, something ordinary, 16:56.000 --> 16:59.380 something that has happened not just once to my husband and me 16:59.380 --> 17:03.860 as parents, and has echoed through our relationship as a couple. 17:04.520 --> 17:08.320 Yet, it has never caused a rift so deep 17:08.320 --> 17:13.120 that not even the best glue devised by sexology could mend it. 17:13.700 --> 17:16.800 Because we know, and deeply understand, 17:17.620 --> 17:20.880 that sex is an important root in marriage, yes, 17:21.620 --> 17:28.040 but also a flexible one, malleable, ductile, able to bend without breaking. 17:28.840 --> 17:33.060 After all, even though she'd come simply wanting to be heard, 17:33.060 --> 17:38.220 she asked me a question I truly had to answer, because that question, 17:39.020 --> 17:42.660 Ribe, do you love your husband and does he love you? 17:43.360 --> 17:48.440 Crossed a threshold straight into the intimate, the tender, the sexual. 17:49.420 --> 17:53.360 So, I opened my answer with just one word. 17:54.260 --> 17:55.360 I remember. 17:56.000 --> 17:59.280 I remember that when our daughter's recent birthday came around, 17:59.820 --> 18:02.400 we celebrated the blessing of having her with us. 18:02.990 --> 18:08.220 We were happy, fulfilled, especially because the day before her party, 18:08.680 --> 18:13.280 child welfare officers had come to check on how she was doing after the adoption, 18:13.560 --> 18:14.960 and they left reassured. 18:15.780 --> 18:21.060 Another year with official approval for both my husband and me as her parents, 18:21.640 --> 18:26.400 and also for everyone in our home who plays an active role in her upbringing in care, 18:27.200 --> 18:29.080 her grandparents, aunts, and uncles. 18:29.780 --> 18:36.560 We had a wonderful time, but as all celebrations must eventually come to an end, 18:37.080 --> 18:40.780 the river's stones returned to their course by 10 o'clock that night. 18:41.660 --> 18:44.640 Benjamin and I saw all our guests out the front door, 18:45.180 --> 18:49.540 thanked the children and their parents for coming, and once the door was closed, 18:49.940 --> 18:53.600 I told my husband we needed to tidy up a few things in the kitchen. 18:54.320 --> 18:56.780 Everything had to be in order for the next day, 18:57.060 --> 19:01.360 since two very dear friends of my older brother were arriving from Israel. 19:02.260 --> 19:05.440 Benjamin didn't refuse, not that he really could. 19:06.180 --> 19:10.920 He just looked at me, smiled, and thanked me for making our daughter's party 19:10.920 --> 19:15.960 such a beautiful event, even down to the colors I'd chosen to decorate the house. 19:16.980 --> 19:20.660 Our guest of honor and her brothers were already deep in REM sleep, 19:20.660 --> 19:24.600 as my mother-in-law put it, because she, along with my own mother, 19:25.040 --> 19:29.280 had taken charge of the grandchildren so that we could finish what was left undone 19:29.280 --> 19:33.880 and then go rest. He turned on his phone and played some music, 19:34.360 --> 19:40.100 softly, something that wouldn't exceed the decibel limit allowed in the second floor bedrooms. 19:40.920 --> 19:44.400 He took off his shoes and socks before stepping into the kitchen, 19:44.880 --> 19:49.200 I'd already done the same. We started tidying up what was left, 19:49.200 --> 19:53.840 and between one song and the next, we finished in about half an hour. 19:54.600 --> 19:59.720 So much passed between us during that short stretch of cleaning and mutual help. 20:00.240 --> 20:04.260 Things that, at the time, I'm not sure whether it was fatigue 20:04.260 --> 20:09.240 or simply lack of time that kept me from fully noticing or analyzing them. 20:09.820 --> 20:13.380 To me, they felt automatic, almost invisible, 20:13.700 --> 20:17.580 because that's exactly what they were, every day gestures. 20:19.500 --> 20:25.580 Feelings that never fade, words that are spoken, desires left unspoken, 20:25.820 --> 20:31.460 but expressed in other ways, like when we kissed just before starting to clean the kitchen, 20:31.780 --> 20:36.440 and I squeezed his right buttock, and he responded by gently caressing 20:36.440 --> 20:41.220 my left breast beneath my bra. We went up to the third floor, 20:41.720 --> 20:45.900 heading toward the attic where our bedroom is, but first, as always, 20:45.900 --> 20:51.080 we made our customary little stop, a tradition between my husband and me, 20:51.680 --> 20:56.560 our children's room. We checked that everything was in order in their cribs, 20:56.760 --> 21:01.240 including the interconnected baby monitor my father-in-law had installed, 21:01.500 --> 21:05.640 so we could hear if one, two, or all three of them started crying. 21:06.640 --> 21:11.840 Our children have mostly, almost entirely, regulated their sleep by now. 21:12.420 --> 21:19.020 Still, as is normal, they can wake up for any reason, anything from real emergencies to 21:19.020 --> 21:24.900 simple sleep tantrums triggered by outside noises that sometimes grow louder in the street. 21:25.740 --> 21:32.200 Everything was perfect, the kids asleep, perhaps dreaming of unicorns or stuffed animals, 21:32.840 --> 21:37.840 knocked out already plotting their next lesson for us, the house silent, 21:37.840 --> 21:45.280 and the two of us in bed, sitting close, wrapped in each other's arms, tired but not sleepy, 21:45.880 --> 21:50.700 finally watching that independent film we'd been trying to finish for two months. 21:51.420 --> 21:58.340 Suddenly, his left hand met my right. It was a casual or perhaps fateful brush 21:58.340 --> 22:05.820 that turned into a tender caress along my cheek. His fingers traced slow circles around my wrist 22:05.820 --> 22:12.440 while I pretended to focus on the screen, using my free hand to reach for something on my nightstand. 22:13.140 --> 22:17.940 Your Levothroxene tablets are on my nightstand. What are you looking for, Reeb? 22:18.400 --> 22:23.480 He asked in that voice he uses when he doesn't care at all what I'm actually searching for. 22:24.300 --> 22:29.880 My sanity, I replied, as I turned off the monitor displaying our children's room. 22:30.440 --> 22:33.960 But he switched it right back on and kept listening 22:33.960 --> 22:38.740 to the reasons why I'd lost my sanity at some point during the day, 22:39.040 --> 22:42.560 simply by watching him be such an extraordinary father. 22:43.400 --> 22:49.320 You know what I miss, my dear private psychiatrist? I whispered leaning close to his ear. 22:49.980 --> 22:54.920 That kiss you gave me in the shower, the one we finally shared after months 22:54.920 --> 23:01.400 without managing to bathe together, a habit I thought buried forever under poor coordination and 23:01.400 --> 23:04.700 endless arguments with the clock. Which kiss? 23:05.520 --> 23:10.220 Binyamin played dumb as he turned off the TV with the remote and tossed it onto the sofa, 23:10.620 --> 23:15.180 meaning, once again, that indie film was left hanging with that old saying, 23:15.820 --> 23:17.880 we'll see, said the blind man. 23:18.920 --> 23:23.940 Don't make me repeat it, I replied, biting my lip as I pulled off the t-shirt he sometimes 23:23.940 --> 23:32.660 wears to bed. Oh, now I remember. The one Anayi's neem described as a little sweet death, he asked. 23:33.280 --> 23:38.820 I just nodded. I couldn't speak any more. His hands were already working their way across my 23:38.820 --> 23:45.000 thighs. He smiled at my silence, at my reaction, and then we exchanged that look. 23:45.900 --> 23:50.160 Yes, that look, the one couple's share that silently says, 23:50.720 --> 23:55.100 it's been a whole week of nothing at all. Could it finally happen tonight? 23:55.680 --> 24:01.560 We understood the unspoken message written in our bodies and kissed again, deeper this time. 24:02.300 --> 24:07.820 I closed my eyes and let myself be carried away by him. The temperature rose sharply, 24:08.240 --> 24:12.420 like in a calorimeter. Not because I had forgotten to pay the electricity bill, 24:12.640 --> 24:15.640 and they'd cut off our power, even for the air conditioning. 24:15.640 --> 24:23.100 Our caresses grew bolder and more intense. My sleeprobe, not the passion killing granny kind, 24:23.320 --> 24:28.980 nor anything childish, but the one with a stubborn smear of raspberry and cherry baby purée, 24:29.400 --> 24:34.760 which I swear I washed before putting it on, seemed, in the eyes of a man as starved 24:34.760 --> 24:41.940 for sex as I was, like the sexiest dress in the world. His hands, those of a psychiatrist, 24:42.440 --> 24:48.840 used to jotting down notes about other people's neuroses, were now writing poetry on my skin. 24:49.520 --> 24:55.260 My kisses carried the delicate precision of a perfectly catalyzed enzymatic reaction, 24:55.540 --> 25:00.940 and he responded with the exactness of someone who spent years studying human behavior. 25:01.680 --> 25:08.120 Our lips met again and again between every touch, and for a moment, we weren't exhausted parents 25:08.120 --> 25:13.460 of three adorable little troublemakers, we were simply two adults with our own needs, 25:14.060 --> 25:20.920 a man and a woman guided by natural sexual physiology. My scientific mind switched off 25:20.920 --> 25:26.600 completely, and my healthy perversions took over. We were entering what I'd call the 25:26.600 --> 25:32.060 protein denaturation phase, if you'll allow me that biochemical metaphor for the moment. 25:32.680 --> 25:39.460 There we were, on our bed, behind a closed door, skin against skin after shedding our clothes, 25:40.000 --> 25:45.820 sharing kisses far more lustful than anything from a lemon or etchy anime scene, 25:46.380 --> 25:53.800 something almost hentai but without the porn. Those kisses tasted of red wine, dark chocolate, 25:54.220 --> 26:00.180 freshly picked strawberries and nostalgia, of longing laced with delicate little touches 26:00.180 --> 26:07.000 that could illustrate a chapter from Delta of Venus. Our breath came in gasps, our words scarce 26:07.000 --> 26:15.280 but sincere, I need you today, not tomorrow, today. It was a feeling akin to what one might describe 26:15.280 --> 26:22.500 as the body whispering before it screams, where kisses, tongues included, are no longer just 26:22.500 --> 26:29.980 kisses, but promises, where hands remember old maps, where the entire world shrinks to skin, 26:30.400 --> 26:37.780 to breath, to heat rising like a tide. We were there, and then, like revelry at dawn, 26:38.340 --> 26:44.700 like the ever reliable, ever present nemesis of conjugal intimacy. Through the baby monitor, 26:45.160 --> 26:50.620 the very one binyamin had turned back on after I'd switched it off, we heard the most 26:50.620 --> 26:56.840 anti-erotic sound in the known universe. It was a scream as if someone were yanking out 26:56.840 --> 27:03.300 one of our children's teeth without anesthesia, not a dramatic sigh, not that at all, but a raw, 27:03.600 --> 27:09.260 desperate wail tangled with panicked crying. It was a scream that shattered the silence 27:09.260 --> 27:15.620 like a scene from a horror film instantly my mother brain kicked in, flashing the following 27:15.620 --> 27:25.640 diagnostics. One, maximum volume. Two, emergency, possible infant apocalypse. Three, immediate action 27:25.640 --> 27:33.300 required. Binyamin and I froze, almost petrified in the very heart of Eros's reign, where the G spot 27:33.300 --> 27:39.920 and K point are the true sovereigns. We stood there like lab rats startled by an auditory stimulus. 27:40.580 --> 27:46.220 Even though my mind registered the situation, even though logic whispered its reasons, 27:46.700 --> 27:52.640 I chose emotion, I chose need, and deliberately blocked the guilt that tries to creep in when 27:52.640 --> 27:58.940 you prefer sex over your child's cry. Inside my head, I could practically hear myself saying, 27:59.260 --> 28:05.560 no, not now. We're on the ascending curve. Calling this off would be biologically unjust 28:05.560 --> 28:12.460 and utterly unnecessary. Keep going. I whispered to Binyamin, gently biting his ear. 28:13.180 --> 28:19.720 Nothing serious is happening. Maybe he just woke up because he dreamt his favorite dinosaur ate his 28:19.720 --> 28:26.300 ice cream. You'll see, he'll be back asleep in five minutes. I clung to his neck and wrapped 28:26.300 --> 28:33.680 my legs around his back like a belt, holding on tight. Rebe, Binyamin murmured, his forehead 28:33.680 --> 28:39.340 resting against my shoulder, his tongue tracing my skin, breath coming in short gasps, 28:39.800 --> 28:46.520 he was just as heated as I was. I love you. I desire only you. Your body and your being 28:46.520 --> 28:53.360 are more than enough for me. I miss you, always. Even if we have sex or not, these feelings 28:53.360 --> 28:58.560 stay in me because I've told you more than once, though you refuse to believe me, 28:58.560 --> 29:07.120 that in my own way, I'm heterodemisexual. But that, but, it hit me like an interruption, 29:07.400 --> 29:12.340 the kind we'd lived through more than once. I don't need to remind you, we can't just 29:12.340 --> 29:16.740 leave it like this. It's our responsibility, even though there are others here who could help. 29:17.220 --> 29:21.840 One of the three might actually be sick. Pediatric illnesses don't send warnings, 29:22.380 --> 29:26.080 or maybe they're having nightmares, even if it's just about their gluttonous 29:26.080 --> 29:30.860 dinosaurs stealing their ice cream, or perhaps they simply need to see us, 29:31.320 --> 29:36.880 to breathe in our skin again, to feel safe. My husband looked at me with a mixture of 29:36.880 --> 29:44.320 frustrated desire and infinite tenderness. And I, well, sometimes I make that face. 29:45.000 --> 29:53.100 Seriously, now? But deep down, I know he's right. He gave me one mega kiss and a chase 29:53.100 --> 29:57.420 little caress, as if those gestures alone could recharge his paternal batteries, 29:57.960 --> 30:03.800 and kept explaining gently until I finally let him go. Or, he added, voice steady, 30:04.480 --> 30:09.360 maybe one of our children just needs us. And then came the phrase that can, 30:09.820 --> 30:15.940 though not always, extinguish even the fiercest desire. They might need us, Reb. 30:16.760 --> 30:20.200 His overdeveloped professional ethics and paternal instinct, 30:20.200 --> 30:24.820 worse than a pregnant woman's intuition, meant that after that fleeting display of 30:24.820 --> 30:29.860 affection and longing, I released him. He sat on the edge of the bed, took a deep breath, 30:30.340 --> 30:35.040 very deep, trying to rein in his pent-up interrupted urges. In the dark, 30:35.200 --> 30:39.520 he fumbled for his pants and put them on backwards, not even bothering to grab his 30:39.520 --> 30:44.840 glasses, and hurried out to find out what was wrong. From the sound of that cry, 30:44.840 --> 30:52.160 I knew it was mesonic. Binyamin is more rational, and I'm more visceral, especially in the hormonal 30:52.160 --> 30:57.360 and emotional cross currents of our sex life. That's why he stopped. Gently. 30:58.240 --> 31:06.360 Enough to make my own rising heat subside, too, slowly, not abruptly. Because he always says, 31:07.040 --> 31:13.700 not just as a psychiatrist, but as my husband, that sudden, violent interruptions during 31:13.700 --> 31:19.580 consensual sex can breed frustration, tangle negative emotions with unfounded 31:19.580 --> 31:24.800 suspicions of rejection or even imagined infidelities that don't exist, 31:25.580 --> 31:31.480 and dangerously drop endorphin levels, threatening both mental and emotional well-being. 31:32.340 --> 31:36.200 I tried to ignore the sabotaging cry of one of our children. 31:36.900 --> 31:44.060 After all, I had every right to be objective, even selfish, because I was in my territory. 31:45.100 --> 31:49.580 I thought the wailing would fade in a couple of minutes if we simply didn't respond. 31:50.520 --> 31:58.160 But Binyamin, once again, drew upon his mental health training. He knows when to stop and 31:58.160 --> 32:04.540 when to go on. He's always been this way, ever since the very first time we made love 32:04.540 --> 32:11.660 after our wedding. And he didn't teach me this. He let me learn it from him. This way of being, 32:12.300 --> 32:18.040 of knowing how to measure himself, of carrying an internal thermometer for prioritizing what 32:18.040 --> 32:25.760 matters at any given moment. For him, there's time for everything, even for sex infused with 32:25.760 --> 32:33.440 deep feeling and even for quick functional sex that might superficially resemble mutual masturbation, 32:33.440 --> 32:39.480 aimed only at relieving a physiological need, though in truth, it's never just that. 32:40.480 --> 32:46.000 I wanted to tell him that children have survived millions of years of evolution without helicopter 32:46.000 --> 32:52.400 parents. But I didn't say a word, not only because he'd already left the room, not even 32:52.400 --> 32:58.640 giving me a chance to stage a half-hearted protest, but because his words had been a whisper that 32:58.640 --> 33:04.680 pulled me back to our past, to the time before babies. They might need us. 33:05.340 --> 33:12.340 He knows, not just from his advanced training, that a child's stress-induced cortisol doesn't 33:12.340 --> 33:19.860 just dissipate on its own. Untended crying isn't whimsy or tantrum, it's always a signal. 33:20.640 --> 33:23.220 And even though the sexual part of his body was screaming, 33:23.220 --> 33:29.140 yes, I want just a little more of my wife's body, his father's soul shouted louder, 33:29.960 --> 33:37.020 go, Benjamin, go. Only a few minutes passed before he returned. He locked the bedroom door, 33:37.560 --> 33:40.640 turned off the baby monitor, and sat on the edge of the bed. 33:41.500 --> 33:45.000 See, I said, it was unnecessary to stop everything. 33:45.940 --> 33:50.440 Ms. Nick woke up because he had a cramp in his right calf, he replied calmly. 33:51.140 --> 33:57.380 Did you use one of your pulse-based, anti-crying therapies to put him back to sleep in seconds? 33:57.900 --> 34:03.320 I asked, teasing. When I got to the room, Ms. Nick wasn't even in his crib, 34:04.000 --> 34:09.380 Izekiel had him in his arms. The moment I told my brother to go rest and that I'd take over, 34:09.920 --> 34:14.440 he just laughed and said I should go back and finish what I'd so nicely started with you. 34:15.300 --> 34:20.700 Rebe, he told me to leave his nephew in peace with him. He said he hadn't even turned on the 34:20.700 --> 34:25.860 monitor in his room. He'd heard our son's desperate cry from down the hall and figured 34:25.860 --> 34:31.580 we'd fallen asleep from exhaustion. But when he saw how I walked into the room, half dressed, 34:32.060 --> 34:39.660 flustered, pants on backward, chest bare, cotton mid-heat, receiving a direct order from his 34:39.660 --> 34:46.720 older twin brother, barely two hours his senior. I imagine it exactly as my husband described it, 34:47.160 --> 34:52.140 his brother speaking in that unmistakable tone shaped by decades of marriage to his wife, 34:52.780 --> 34:56.060 a private Spanish teacher with a distinctly Uruguayan flair. 34:56.920 --> 35:03.220 Go back to your room, lock the door, go fulfill your wife, go fulfill yourself. 35:03.940 --> 35:09.960 Don't miss the appointment you have with her. Obey. For your own good, for both your sakes. 35:10.740 --> 35:16.540 You of all people, a psychiatrist, know this perfectly well. At that reply, 35:16.860 --> 35:22.480 Benjamin didn't even let me speak. He just lifted his gaze and in his citronella-colored eyes, 35:22.680 --> 35:28.300 I saw the same spark as before. Where were we? he asked, eyes gleaming with mischief. 35:28.300 --> 35:32.100 Nowhere. I've already put my sleep robe back on, I answered, 35:32.680 --> 35:37.720 feigning denial, even annoyance, because I still felt he'd prioritized Ms. Inix's 35:37.720 --> 35:43.860 cry over our moment of intimacy. He laughed at that. Then he asked, did you put your panties back 35:43.860 --> 35:49.380 on too? I know that laugh of his well. It's the one he uses when he couldn't care less about 35:49.380 --> 35:54.660 what I'm saying because he already knows exactly what I'm feeling. And right there, 35:54.660 --> 35:59.520 mid-smile, he dropped a line that made me leap out of bed, straddle his lap, 35:59.780 --> 36:05.620 and yank off my robe again. When one of our kids inevitably cries at the exact moment things 36:05.620 --> 36:11.880 between you and me get hot, spicy, and interesting, the sex doesn't pause. It just goes into to be 36:11.880 --> 36:17.960 continued mode with even more intensity. That was reason enough to dive back into our coital 36:17.960 --> 36:24.260 mischief. Now with even better odds, the monitor switched off, a temporary caregiver who wouldn't 36:24.260 --> 36:28.940 strip us of our parental responsibility or worth just because we'd entrusted him with his 36:28.940 --> 36:35.000 nephew for a few minutes, the door locked, our bodies half undressed, and, as a bonus, 36:35.580 --> 36:42.340 an intense session of tauntrick prelude. And what followed was, well, one of those rare 36:42.340 --> 36:47.680 sessions that remind you exactly why you chose to marry this person in the first place. 36:48.220 --> 36:56.640 It was slow, tired, utterly real, and deeply intimate. Not driven merely by the urge to couple, 36:56.900 --> 37:02.580 but by a need to reconnect. To remember who we are beyond the title of parents. 37:03.540 --> 37:10.840 It was a wordless way of saying, I'm here. I choose you. I love you. I need you. 37:11.160 --> 37:15.420 Not just to keep being parents, but to keep being husband and wife. 37:16.200 --> 37:22.720 It might sound like pure idealism, but no, this is something profoundly real when you 37:22.720 --> 37:28.740 actually live it. We didn't watch the sunrise like in a movie that polishes reality with 37:28.740 --> 37:35.600 fantasy just to glamorize romance. But falling asleep wrapped in each other's arms, sharing 37:35.600 --> 37:42.040 that quiet, implicit therapy of skin to skin contact, didn't make us forget our role as 37:42.040 --> 37:48.820 parents to three tiny dictators ruling our home. On the contrary, it reinforced that 37:48.820 --> 37:54.880 essential layer of our partnership, the one that too often gets lost amid hundreds of excuses, 37:55.400 --> 38:02.520 including diaper changes, excuses we sometimes invent ourselves, searching for someone else to blame 38:02.520 --> 38:09.920 so we can walk away innocent and unscathed. We looked at each other, we laughed, and against 38:09.920 --> 38:16.540 all odds, against every ounce of accumulated exhaustion, we picked up right where we'd left off, 38:16.980 --> 38:22.740 even rewinding a little to begin again. That interruption, as Benjamin later said, 38:23.240 --> 38:29.300 reminded us once more that a couple's bond must be cared for, nourished and protected, 38:29.900 --> 38:34.100 like a delicate cell culture in its own exclusive petri dish. 38:34.680 --> 38:40.160 He said that by mourning, we'd be parents again, the referees of sibling corals, 38:40.660 --> 38:44.600 the possums carrying our young on our backs, the wrenches tightening the 38:44.600 --> 38:50.600 bolts on our children to guide them back on track. We'd be professional disaster cleaners 38:50.600 --> 38:55.000 because the moment they're freshly changed, they're already crawling through the garden, 38:55.280 --> 39:00.780 turning our neat little picture into chaos while patience pours over us from head to toe. 39:01.460 --> 39:08.220 But in the stillness of the early hours, it was just us doing one thing without neglecting the other, 39:08.760 --> 39:14.900 being spouses without ceasing to be parents. That time was incredibly satisfying, 39:15.380 --> 39:22.140 not because of intensity, but because of presence. We weren't performing a script of perfect passion, 39:22.480 --> 39:28.540 we were simply being parents, human and lovers all at once. We spoke plainly, 39:28.540 --> 39:35.460 without drama, about our sexual needs being met, however briefly, and quietly scheduled our next 39:35.460 --> 39:40.480 intimate appointment, perhaps not in the same place or at the same hour, but always through 39:40.480 --> 39:45.960 the same channel, each other. Maybe not in the same clothes or with the same urgency, 39:46.480 --> 39:50.960 but still saying to each other, would you like to try something more these days, 39:51.480 --> 39:56.440 even if it might end in another failed attempt or one cut short halfway through? 39:57.320 --> 40:02.020 Because that phrasing carries far less pressure and arrogance than blurting out, 40:02.620 --> 40:06.160 hey, when are we finally having sex, isn't it about time? 40:07.040 --> 40:13.480 And he reminded me, not as a reproach, but as a tender recollection of the times when I, 40:13.900 --> 40:18.340 in the middle of making love, in the very fire that turns our bodies to ash, 40:18.780 --> 40:23.860 only to resurrect us with renewed strength, have been gripped by cramps so severe, 40:23.860 --> 40:28.340 they forced us to stop everything. Of course, I know this well, 40:28.640 --> 40:35.140 because just like Mesonik, I've also been seized by a cramp, only without sounding dramatic, 40:35.620 --> 40:42.420 just realistic, mine can sometimes be life-threatening. If Binyamin or someone who knows how to drive one 40:42.420 --> 40:48.920 of our cars doesn't rush me to the ER to hook me up to a calcium infusion pump for my hypocalcemia, 40:48.920 --> 40:55.120 I could actually go into cardiac arrest. Binyamin also recalled the times when he, 40:55.500 --> 41:02.540 on the very brink of orgasm, seconds from release, had to abruptly stop because an unbearable headache 41:02.540 --> 41:08.920 struck, one of those inherited oral migraines he can't ignore, or those moments when, 41:09.280 --> 41:14.640 just as he was about to moan, everything ended in seconds because I was suddenly 41:14.640 --> 41:21.780 overwhelmed by an urgent, uncontainable need to pee. Or worse, back when we didn't even know we were 41:21.780 --> 41:28.100 about to become parents to our first child, Yudal, blessed be his memory, there was that one time 41:28.100 --> 41:34.340 I actually vomited right onto my husband's bare chest. Whether it was the overwhelming excitement 41:34.340 --> 41:40.320 of the moment, mixed with a lethal surge of gestational hormones, or perhaps the body's 41:40.320 --> 41:45.640 desperate way of signaling the presence of a third soul already forming between us, 41:46.140 --> 41:52.740 I don't know. But it triggered such a violent wave of dizziness and nausea that the reflex took 41:52.740 --> 41:58.240 over and we had no choice but to stop. That morning, as we dressed our twin boys, 41:58.820 --> 42:04.660 our birthday girl already ready, Binyamin fussed over Mizinik a little extra, 42:05.300 --> 42:11.240 pampering him gently because of the calf cramp, while I braided Shabtai's hair as he 42:11.240 --> 42:15.800 chattered away to his beloved plastic chicken about who knows what. 42:16.600 --> 42:23.560 Then Binyamin caught my eye, gave me a wink, and smiled, a smile that carried the memory 42:23.560 --> 42:30.080 of what had happened in the wee hours, a silent reminder that being parents and being 42:30.080 --> 42:35.780 spouses isn't an exact science. But it IS science in the end. 42:36.460 --> 42:42.080 And here comes the reflection, dear visitors to this virtual home. You who are surely 42:42.080 --> 42:47.680 reading this right now, maybe hiding in the bathroom while your own children wreak havoc in 42:47.680 --> 42:55.500 the living room, many couples repeat the same idea over and over. Our intimacy is ruined 42:55.500 --> 43:02.020 because young kids are always interrupting us. It's true that parenting brings exhaustion, 43:02.460 --> 43:09.500 chaotic schedules, and fewer private corners. But to believe that children are the sole reason 43:09.500 --> 43:16.220 for a paused sex life? For me, that's a myth. My husband, who helped me craft this post, 43:16.640 --> 43:20.860 mentioned that when he hears in his practice about what happens in marriages, 43:20.860 --> 43:26.620 where couples live alone and don't have young children at home, he recognizes certain patterns. 43:27.300 --> 43:32.720 He often tells them that even they, at times, must pause an intimate encounter, 43:33.100 --> 43:38.120 and that this doesn't signify coital failure or a step backward in their relationship. 43:38.680 --> 43:43.840 It's entirely normal for the body to react this way, especially when a sudden 43:43.840 --> 43:50.400 symptom arises, an underlying illness, an unexpected health issue, or a serious condition 43:50.400 --> 43:57.420 that surfaces during sex. The reasons? They're varied and, above all, deeply human. 43:58.120 --> 44:04.120 Midway through intimacy, it could be a muscle cramp, a nosebleed, an unstoppable bout of 44:04.120 --> 44:11.680 hiccups, suspicious tachycardia, trapped intestinal gas, testicular or ovarian torsion, 44:12.200 --> 44:19.100 an unusually sharp chest pain, or an episode of GERD, even a surprise period arriving with 44:19.100 --> 44:26.240 unbearable cramps as an unwelcome bonus, uterine contractions, or any physical discomfort that 44:26.240 --> 44:33.620 simply forces you to stop. Sometimes exhaustion weighs more than anticipated, and the body just 44:33.620 --> 44:39.840 doesn't respond without this being a sign of sexual dysfunction. And then there are emotional 44:39.840 --> 44:47.120 factors, a sudden wave of worry, a painful memory, an intrusive thought that shatters the mood 44:47.120 --> 44:54.220 entirely. There are also everyday surprises, a phone ringing urgently, a domestic accident, 44:54.620 --> 44:59.380 an accidental bump against the bed frame, or an elbow jabbed into your partner. 45:00.040 --> 45:06.580 And, of course, there's the most essential element of all, consent. If in the middle of intimacy, 45:06.840 --> 45:12.680 one partner feels they no longer wish to continue, that alone is reason enough, and it 45:12.680 --> 45:19.300 must be respected without questioning, guilt, or pressure. The key here is to understand that 45:19.300 --> 45:25.640 interruptions are part of intimate life, with or without young children, because we are human beings, 45:26.100 --> 45:33.180 sexual, yes, but also vulnerable to all kinds of unexpected moments. What truly makes the 45:33.180 --> 45:38.600 difference in a relationship isn't why things pause, but how the couple handles it, 45:38.600 --> 45:45.800 with understanding, with humor, without drama or blame. Debunking the myth that children are the 45:45.800 --> 45:52.440 sole ruiners of intimacy helps us see more clearly what's really at stake, communication, patience, 45:52.960 --> 45:59.020 and the willingness to reconnect at another time. After all, sexuality in marriage isn't measured 45:59.020 --> 46:05.120 by the absence of interruptions, but by how you build and rebuild it, again and again, 46:05.120 --> 46:12.420 within the messy, beautiful reality of daily life. And, in fact, my husband even offered me a reference 46:12.420 --> 46:19.540 to Tango when he said that this musical form isn't just about steps, it's a bodily dialogue where 46:19.540 --> 46:25.840 partners play with lead and response. The two-four rhythm, with its phrasing of pauses and accents, 46:26.220 --> 46:32.120 conveys tension and release, something deeply sensual, rhythmic, and inherently consensual, 46:32.120 --> 46:36.360 and acts shared between two bodies, listening to each other in motion. 46:37.060 --> 46:42.840 Many interpret it through the metaphor of courtship, a private dialogue between partners, 46:43.280 --> 46:49.940 attraction, the tension between two equal and intertwined forces. It's not rooted merely 46:49.940 --> 46:55.780 in passion or seduction, but in physical closeness, paired with suggestive movement, 46:56.290 --> 47:02.960 often charged with unmistakable sexual or at least erotic tension. Tango doesn't 47:02.960 --> 47:10.340 rely on big leaps or dramatic spins. Instead, it unfolds through gliding steps, long pauses, 47:10.820 --> 47:17.160 sudden breaks, and intricate legwork, like baleos and gonchos, that whisper rather than shout 47:17.160 --> 47:24.000 desire. Thus, Tango, as a metaphor for intimate connection within a committed relationship, 47:24.000 --> 47:31.020 is a dance of surrender, of attunement, of dialogue between two bodies seeking to move in 47:31.020 --> 47:38.560 harmony. Perfect, yes, but like all dances, it never occurs in a vacuum. It's shaped by context, 47:39.080 --> 47:45.820 woven into the fabric of real life, the sudden cry of a young child, a worry that crashes into 47:45.820 --> 47:52.160 your mind uninvited, the doorbell ringing at the worst possible moment, or even an ill-timed 47:52.160 --> 47:59.180 memory, a sharp pain that forces you to stop, a whispered, wait, I can't go on. All of these 47:59.180 --> 48:05.820 inevitably interrupt the dance. Yet, when the tango pauses, it doesn't mean the music has failed, 48:06.300 --> 48:12.820 the silence doesn't ruin the choreography, it merely suspends it. The true challenge lies 48:12.820 --> 48:18.760 in understanding that interruption is part of shared life, and that the rhythm can be resumed 48:18.760 --> 48:25.440 later without losing its essence, its complicity, or the small sustaining acts of intimacy that keep 48:25.440 --> 48:32.620 the dance alive. In this sense, a noise or an interruption, whether literal or symbolic, 48:33.320 --> 48:41.180 should never be seen as an ending, but rather as a reminder that desire coexists with responsibility, 48:41.660 --> 48:48.460 with the unforeseen, and with the fragile texture of everyday life. Sensuality does 48:48.460 --> 48:57.360 not vanish in the pause, it simply transforms, waits, ripens, and sometimes returns with even 48:57.360 --> 49:06.000 greater intensity. Tango, like intimacy, demands neither perfection nor uninterrupted flow. 49:06.760 --> 49:13.880 After all, daily life isn't a ballroom competition. What it truly asks for is presence, 49:14.600 --> 49:20.700 attentiveness, and the willingness to find each other again, even after an interruption, 49:21.340 --> 49:29.040 an unfinished act, or what might feel like a failure. What makes something truly sensual, 49:29.040 --> 49:33.020 what leads us to a consensual, fulfilling sexual connection, 49:33.480 --> 49:39.860 is not dancing without pauses, but daring to pick up the rhythm again and again. 49:40.300 --> 49:46.920 And I loved his response, so professional, so quintessentially psychiatric, and I, 49:47.160 --> 49:52.740 as always, the gossipy copycat, want to add a few more things to this piece. 49:53.310 --> 50:01.280 Do you know what the real problem is? We wait until 10.47pm to connect. During the day, 50:01.540 --> 50:07.620 we're like two ships passing in the kitchen, exchanging logistical updates about clothes that 50:07.620 --> 50:14.160 no longer fit the kids, and medical appointments, as if we're coworkers, not the passionate lovers 50:14.160 --> 50:21.260 who stood before the altar and vowed to be each other's forever. Intimacy doesn't begin when 50:21.260 --> 50:27.020 the children fall asleep. It begins with that affectionate pat on the butt while making breakfast, 50:27.620 --> 50:33.940 with that suggestive text message sent during a quiet moment at work, him and his office, 50:34.320 --> 50:40.660 you and yours, with that knowing glance when the toddler flings an entire meal onto the floor, 50:40.980 --> 50:46.980 and instead of arguing over who cleans it up, you both burst out laughing as you tidy up 50:46.980 --> 50:52.880 together, one of you wiping the mess off your child's face and hands, he's still learning 50:52.880 --> 50:58.940 to eat so low, the other scrubbing the floor that had just been mopped to mirror-like perfection 50:58.940 --> 51:05.220 with disinfectant. If you're reading this and it's been months since you've truly connected, 51:05.760 --> 51:11.740 even to decide what to have for dinner, if you constantly use your kids as an excuse, 51:12.140 --> 51:19.540 if I'm too tired, has become your daily mantra, then take a real, honest look at your lives 51:19.540 --> 51:26.760 and your priorities. There should be no shame or fear in admitting something's off. On the contrary, 51:27.420 --> 51:34.360 remind each other again and again of this essential truth. Before you became mom and dad, 51:34.720 --> 51:39.760 you were two adults who chose each other. With the clear exception, of course, 51:39.760 --> 51:46.880 of forced marriages, which still exist, not just as plotlines in Turkish soap operas or foreign indie 51:46.880 --> 51:52.720 films that tackle the raw, painful reality of arranged unions with unflinching honesty, 51:53.480 --> 51:59.940 the children are not the problem. The problem is that we use any excuse to avoid truly connecting 51:59.940 --> 52:05.460 because, I'll say it again, intimacy doesn't begin when we turn off the lights, 52:05.460 --> 52:11.960 it also begins with foot massages after an exhausting day. With that routine call to ask, 52:12.420 --> 52:17.600 do you need anything from the supermarket? With the way he looks at you while you excitedly 52:17.600 --> 52:23.500 explain something from your professional world? In my case, maybe my latest experiment with 52:23.500 --> 52:30.160 recombinant proteins? And that look instantly tells you he's faking it, pretending to understand 52:30.160 --> 52:35.840 every word just to keep you talking. As I told my neighbor when I pulled out my wallet, 52:36.300 --> 52:41.460 the one where I keep a card holder with all the important numbers, if you can't connect through 52:41.460 --> 52:47.540 the small, daily gestures, if interruptions have become the perfect excuse not to touch each other, 52:48.000 --> 52:54.200 if your go-to blame is that you work 24 hours a day and the mythical 25th hour is reserved 52:54.200 --> 53:01.760 only for sleep, never even side-by-side, never embracing, if there's no energy or rest left 53:01.760 --> 53:09.280 to laugh together or say I love you, then please seek help. Seek out a psychotherapist, 53:09.560 --> 53:15.900 a family counselor, a deeply human person, someone wise who has walked a similar path. 53:16.380 --> 53:22.360 Not a support group that, instead of offering real support, ends up intensifying the pattern 53:22.360 --> 53:29.420 of sexual voids in couples. It's fine to vent, of course, but too often these spaces have normalized 53:29.420 --> 53:34.840 and even romanticized the identity of the self-sacrificing parent or mother who, 53:35.400 --> 53:40.520 out of a misunderstood notion of love, extinguishes their partnership and their inherent 53:40.520 --> 53:47.940 human sexuality. Don't turn to some internet guru or to a so-called expert who monetizes 53:47.940 --> 53:54.360 other people's pain just to later sell them an overpriced book worth far less than a genuine session 53:54.360 --> 54:01.260 with a qualified professional. And please don't look for answers in AI, no matter how grounded 54:01.260 --> 54:06.480 in serious scientific research it may be, as is the case with Anthropics Claude. 54:07.300 --> 54:13.100 Avoid unloading your heart on X, TikTok, Instagram, and the like. Platforms where 54:13.100 --> 54:20.040 those offering advice often lack real experience, and more often than not, so division, even in places 54:20.040 --> 54:26.640 where divorce doesn't legally exist and erect walls of ice between partners, snuffing out every 54:26.640 --> 54:33.580 last ember of warmth. Because yes, I took my neighbor's hand as she began to cry, and I 54:33.580 --> 54:39.080 told her that if she wished, I could connect her with a specialist, someone very close to us, 54:39.080 --> 54:45.460 a trusted colleague of my husband's, an expert, and exactly the issue she and her partner are facing, 54:46.100 --> 54:52.200 a sexologist. All of us who are parents of growing children are part of the same survival 54:52.200 --> 54:58.880 experiment. The difference lies in those who choose to stay calm, who refuse to blame each other, 54:59.080 --> 55:05.300 to wound one another, and who can even smile through it all. Sincerely, yes, I know, 55:05.300 --> 55:12.020 this may sound like heresy, sacrilege, even a mortal sin in the club of exhausted mothers, 55:12.600 --> 55:18.340 but as an exhausted mother myself, I can still answer when asked, as my neighbor did, 55:18.620 --> 55:23.400 seeking my own perspective, not just her own thoughts echoed back through my lips. 55:24.180 --> 55:30.620 Reeb, do you love your husband, and does he love you? If she was direct, then I owed her 55:30.620 --> 55:37.140 the same honesty. I couldn't simply say I understand you, because truthfully, I didn't, 55:37.280 --> 55:43.720 not fully. I could understand the fatigue, the temporary frustration over those fragmented, 55:43.980 --> 55:48.760 abbreviated moments of romance and sex lost in the whirlwind of raising children, 55:49.240 --> 55:55.980 but I could not understand using a newborn just months old as an excuse, as a scapegoat. 55:55.980 --> 56:03.000 That, as I told her, is truly harmful to her marriage, to their shared journey as parents, 56:03.420 --> 56:09.640 to the very foundation of their home, because a child enters this world with a blameless record, 56:10.160 --> 56:15.540 utterly clean, utterly innocent. There is no guilt in them, none at all. 56:15.980 --> 56:21.620 The real problem isn't the ill-timed cry. It's that we let our connection with our partner 56:21.620 --> 56:28.560 fade throughout the day. We stop looking at each other. We stop brushing against one another for 56:28.560 --> 56:35.400 no reason. We stop whispering silly, tender nothings in each other's ears while washing the dishes. 56:36.280 --> 56:43.540 We no longer share a cup of tea in silence, just feeling, deeply, that the other is there. 56:44.480 --> 56:50.400 We don't read together. We don't watch movies together. We don't watch sports together, 56:50.400 --> 56:56.100 even if one of us doesn't care for it. Not out of obligation, but as an act of empathy, 56:56.560 --> 57:00.320 respect for the other's joy, and balance in the relationship. 57:01.120 --> 57:08.200 We've stopped laughing together at the absurdity of raising tiny humans who swear carrots or celery 57:08.200 --> 57:15.660 stocks are potent poisons or biological weapons of mass destruction. Sexual intimacy doesn't begin 57:15.660 --> 57:21.640 in bed. It begins in the hallway, when they steal a quick kiss before heading off to work. 57:22.360 --> 57:27.880 It begins in the kitchen, when they wrap their arms around you from behind as you stir the soup. 57:28.740 --> 57:33.280 It begins in the bathroom, when they laugh at your wet, messy hair and say, 57:33.960 --> 57:38.060 you're still the sexiest woman in the world, even with that zombie face. 57:38.660 --> 57:43.440 It begins when they hide your underwear and makeup in places you can't reach, 57:43.440 --> 57:46.980 not just because of height, but as a playful tease. 57:47.760 --> 57:54.120 Or when they deliberately screw the jam jar lid on so tight, you have to ask for help, 57:54.460 --> 58:00.660 after first insisting with mock pride that you don't need assistance with something so simple. 58:01.500 --> 58:07.500 If you don't nurture that, if you let the logistics of parenting, the bills, the wet wipes, 58:07.500 --> 58:15.440 the diapers, meal schedules, vaccines, the pediatrician, devour every last trace of complicity between 58:15.440 --> 58:22.920 you, then yes, any child's cry will become the perfect excuse to never return to what you started. 58:23.820 --> 58:30.920 So this idea, my house is impossible. This belief that interruptions are the rule, 58:30.920 --> 58:37.720 not the exception. This resignation to seeing yourself as roommates rather than lovers 58:38.280 --> 58:45.020 is, in truth, deeply wrong. It's wrong even when you do have a whole household of 58:45.020 --> 58:51.860 understanding people around you, like we do now and have for some time. Because long before we 58:51.860 --> 58:58.460 all lived under one roof, before my in-laws, my siblings, my brothers and sisters-in-law, 58:58.460 --> 59:05.560 my earthquake nephews, and even my own parents moved in to help me rise again after everything 59:05.560 --> 59:12.980 that happened, Binyamin and I lived alone with Yudel, blessed be his memory. And even then, 59:13.300 --> 59:20.040 we had to make it work, sinking work schedules, caring for our son while our entire extended 59:20.040 --> 59:26.820 family lived far away, even in other countries, creating moments that could lead us to intimacy, 59:27.340 --> 59:34.140 even when we knew not every encounter would end in satisfying orgasms, accepting romantic 59:34.140 --> 59:39.400 invitations that meant eating dinner at the kitchen table with Yudel in our arms, 59:39.840 --> 59:47.920 just to keep our bond alive. So yes, I speak from experience. I know what I'm talking about. 59:48.400 --> 59:53.420 But if you feel you can't even share a single minute of complicity each day, 59:53.840 --> 01:00:00.400 if distance has become routine, if exhaustion is used to justify disconnection, 01:00:00.720 --> 01:00:07.220 then please seek help. Seeing a professional isn't a sign of failure or weakness, 01:00:07.800 --> 01:00:14.420 it's not admitting defeat, it's an investment in your relationship. Just like buying your partner 01:00:14.420 --> 01:00:21.040 a thoughtful gift, not because it's a birthday or anniversary, but simply to show the depth 01:00:21.040 --> 01:00:27.360 of your feelings. That kind of gesture is an act of courage, of love, of commitment, 01:00:28.000 --> 01:00:34.960 a conscious choice to reconnect as you once did when you made love without external safeguards 01:00:34.960 --> 01:00:42.060 against sexual failure, trusting each other completely. Raising children is beautiful, 01:00:42.420 --> 01:00:47.680 yes, but you shouldn't have to pay the price of losing each other in the process, 01:00:48.120 --> 01:00:54.560 not when you can choose to be parents and spouses, husband and wife, a couple, 01:00:55.040 --> 01:01:02.240 and that couple deserves space. They deserve caresses, they deserve kisses and a nice 01:01:02.240 --> 01:01:09.480 nins-style moments, even if sometimes you must pause them, sue the cry, and return to them 01:01:09.480 --> 01:01:15.360 with even greater tenderness or a more visceral intensity that doesn't destroy, 01:01:15.760 --> 01:01:23.140 but instead gives you strength to keep going. Freerom within a partnership that includes children 01:01:23.140 --> 01:01:30.180 remains the same, only now with certain terms and conditions. That doesn't mean your love 01:01:30.180 --> 01:01:37.040 doesn't deserve protection and celebration. Don't let it drown in excuses. I believe 01:01:37.040 --> 01:01:44.240 that my husband and I, a biochemist and a psychiatrist, decided long ago to run our own 01:01:44.240 --> 01:01:50.100 life experiment, and though the results are often unpredictable, even unimaginable, 01:01:50.760 --> 01:01:58.940 our hypothesis remains unchanged. Together, as a couple, as a man and a woman who united long 01:01:58.940 --> 01:02:06.340 before becoming parents, we can move forward, even with a supportive extended family around us, 01:02:06.780 --> 01:02:12.660 even with three tiny saboteurs constantly interrupting our most intimate moments. 01:02:13.440 --> 01:02:20.460 To close, don't let the crying interrupt the tango, that beautiful, sensual dance 01:02:20.460 --> 01:02:27.220 full of nuance, capable of expressing the deepest layers of connection within your sexual sphere. 01:02:28.000 --> 01:02:32.480 Well, I think I'll end my personal reflection here for today. 01:02:33.300 --> 01:02:37.200 Thank you for accompanying me from the first word to the last. 01:02:37.800 --> 01:02:43.380 May my creator and sustainer grant my husband and I the grace to share with you again 01:02:43.380 --> 01:02:49.720 should life offer us another opportunity. A strong embrace, and may you have an 01:02:49.720 --> 01:02:55.060 excellent day filled with peace in every corner. Bye-bye.